Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
