Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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