Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
