The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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