My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
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