why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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