You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
