don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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