Dual....:-)
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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