just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
After last night, I could never be a politician.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
