Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Randomize
