I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
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