I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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