The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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