did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
