I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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