$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
We need to rekindle our bromance
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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