you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I cut my penus on the lid.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
