guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
We just shotgunned beers for America
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
