1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
