It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
3 2 1 whiskey
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Randomize
