i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
