We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
