well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
