he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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