woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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