enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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