Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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