DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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