I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
