life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
