drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Randomize