After last night, I could never be a politician.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
