god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Randomize
