I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
