Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
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