I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
