Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
