i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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