If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
