Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
