I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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