life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
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