One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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