Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
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