Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
