Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Randomize
