It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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