I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
