Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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