the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
